The Fourth Trimester
The first three months have been dubbed the “Fourth Trimester” because frankly babies aren’t technically ready for this world when they’re born at 40 weeks but if their heads grew for another three months….well, it wouldn’t be fun. So, as Dr. Harvey Karp put it, for those first three months they are essentially a “fetus living outside the womb”.
While that seems a little dramatic, I don’t completely disagree. In three short months, Patton has gone from sleeping most of the day to waking up and experiencing the world around him. It’s amazing (and heart wrenching) to see him grow and change into a little man. From things as simple as his first time outside feeling the warm breeze on his face as we left the hospital to his first time wiggling his toes in the grass, he’s constantly immersed in new experiences. There’s nothing like seeing the world through his eyes and watching this tiny human you created take it all in.
It’s been the best three months of our lives. Challenging? Yes. Life-changing? Absolutely. But it’s hard to even describe the immense joy and love I feel every day. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced and it’s more and better than I ever could have imagined.
Considering I’ve only been a mom for three months, I’m not sure I’m qualified to give advice, but I’d love to share what I’ve learned so far:
Recovering from Delivery with a Newborn is Tough. Although, for the record, I don’t think my situation was the norm. Because I pushed for 20 minutes before going into surgery, I needed to heal from a partial delivery AND an emergency c-section. Overall, I had a pretty tough time — not necessarily because anything hurt terribly, but more so because I had one complication after another for almost a month.
To quote my doctor: “There is nothing gentle about an emergency c-section.” That sounds nice, right? He went on to explain that when a call is made to get the baby out, THAT is the priority, and mom comes second. (Which is exactly the way it should be & I can’t thank the team at Northside enough for moving so quickly to deliver Patton.) BUT that does sometimes make recovery a bit more difficult. There was no prepping, there were no extra precautions taken — they literally rolled me into the room and within moments a beautiful, healthy Patton was born.
I really didn’t deal with a ton of pain following my c-section — I was up and walking around the next day. The only hard part was sitting up in bed and standing up. Once I was up I was fine! But over the first month I dealt with swelling issues in my legs (putting me back in the ER three days after getting home from the hospital — my doctor was worried about a blood clot but turns out it was just some late-onset swelling that typically happens much sooner after delivery) and some issues with my incision not healing properly (common in emergency c-sections).
By the end of the first month, all of the issues were resolved (thankfully!) but wow that first month was trying. Not only did Nathan have to take on a major role in parenting right away, but he also had to take care of me (and Lady…and the house….meals..). He made sure my only job was feeding & snuggling Patton & waited on me hand and foot. While that sounds nice, it was really hard on me — I like being independent and hate having to rely on someone else for every little thing. It made me feel like such a pain, but Nathan was literally everything I could have asked for and more. (I don’t know how single mamas do it, but I have so much respect for you!)
The Baby Blues are Real. Once you deliver, your sky-high hormones crash to menopausal levels within a couple of days and the effects are pretty significant. Not only are you recovering, but (once the excitement wears off) you’re exhausted, you’re dealing with some BIG, overwhelming emotions of love, you’re learning how to be a parent in real-time & you’re probably realizing that while you knew life would change after you had a baby, that nothing looks or feels the same anymore.
If you know me, you know I’m an emotional person, but I was EMOTIONAL. I texted my mom friends and asked if it was normal for me to be crying this much. Their response — “yep”.
On one hand, my heart was so full of love that everything Patton did made me sob. I physically could not do skin-to-skin with him without bursting into tears. Holding him, watching him sleep, looking at pictures of him, watching Nathan interact with him — my heart felt like it was bursting. I’ve never felt emotions that strong about anything in my life.
And on the other hand, I was really struggling. Every time he cried, my heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest. Every time I laid down to go to sleep, I felt anxious wondering when he’d wake up. When we couldn’t figure out what was upsetting him, I felt inadequate. And sometimes I just cried because I felt sad and couldn’t explain why.
Here I was with this beautiful baby that I’d prayed for for so long and that I loved more than anything in the world, and I remember thinking “maybe I’m just not cut out to be a mom”.
And then one day a couple of weeks in, I woke up and just felt like myself again. We started to get the hang of parenting. We got into a routine. We started getting out of the house. We all started sleeping well. And we were finally emerging from survival-mode and starting to really enjoy this new life.
(If you’re a new mom and you’ve been feeling this way for an extended period, please talk to someone — postpartum depression & postpartum anxiety affect so many women.)
A Schedule is Life. As someone who thrives with a schedule, this was a game changer for us. I talked about the Moms on Call method in my Newborn Products blog, but it has been the biggest blessing to us. Although the book doesn’t technically begin until two weeks, we adopted a schedule similar to the 2-4 week schedule from week one (but fed on demand instead of feeding on a schedule) to give some sort of structure to our day and have followed it (almost to a t!) for the past 13 weeks with no plans of stopping anytime soon.
Because of MOC, Patton was sleeping 6-8 hour stretches in the first month and slept through the night (7:30pm-7am) at seven weeks old. This is life-changing for new parents. Suddenly, we had time to enjoy each other’s company again for a few hours at night AND we were getting good sleep, which ultimately made us better parents.
Now that we’ve established such good sleep habits, we can be more flexible with the schedule when we need to be (which honestly hasn’t been often during quarantine). Since about 6 weeks, we’ve started getting out of the house every day from around 5-7 p.m. (whether it’s for a walk, a drive, going to a friend’s patio, etc.) and if he naps during that time, he naps and if he doesn’t, he doesn’t and it doesn’t affect his nighttime sleep at all. We also took him on his first couple of overnight getaways to his grandparents house and the trips couldn’t have gone more smoothly — he sleeps super well in the car and he napped / slept just as well at their house as he does at home (shout out to our SlumberPod which you NEED when traveling with a baby!). We even went out on the lake one day for most of the day and just kind of threw the schedule out the window (with the exception of feeding times) and he wasn’t phased and fell right back into the schedule when we got home.
I really believe we owe this to MOC and to being strict schedule-followers for the first couple of months to establish good sleep. That being said….
Book Recommendations are Just Recommendations. If you would have asked me about Patton’s temperament the first couple of weeks, I would not have said he was an easy baby. It felt like if he was awake (which isn’t often when they’re that little) he was fussing. Turns out, he just wasn’t getting full. Once we threw the recommended amounts out the window and started almost doubling what he was “supposed” to be eating for a baby his age, he was calm and happy as could be. The dude can EAT. (He may physically kill me but at least he’s full and happy.)
Every baby is different and will have different needs. Books are a great starting point, but you (along with your pediatrician) know best.
Breastfeeding Can Be Wonderful. After hearing awful stories from so many of my friends and newborn clients, I went into it very cautiously knowing it was something I definitely wanted to try, but also knowing that if it didn’t work for us, that was ok.
When they put him on my chest after he was born, he latched immediately and we’ve never looked back. Luckily, I’ve never experienced the pain or frustration that I know so many moms do & it was just something that came easily for us and I’m forever thankful for that. I absolutely cherish our time together every day & it’s one of my favorite parts of motherhood.
My advice would just be to keep an open mind. Everyone’s experience will be so different but ultimately, feeding your child is what’s best. It doesn’t matter how! If you + baby are struggling and miserable, it’s just not worth it, especially on top of everything else you’ll be dealing with those first few weeks.
Partnership is Everything. Babies are a lot of work and finding ways to split responsibilities and down time with your partner is key to staying sane. This is definitely something we’re still navigating (& I’m sure it will continue to evolve, especially when Nathan isn’t working from home anymore) but we’ve found a rhythm that is working for us for now.
During a typical week day, Nathan gets up with Patton at 7 a.m. and feeds + plays with him until his first nap at 8:30 a.m. I typically wake up around 7:15-7:30 a.m. and this gives me until 10 a.m. to get things done — pumping (for when Nathan feeds him), cleaning up the house, photography work, etc. And then from 10 a.m until around 5 p.m., my world pretty much revolves around Patton & his schedule. When he’s awake, I’ll feed him, we’ll play, go for a walk outside, etc. and when he’s napping I’ll get little things done & have lunch with Nathan (thank you quarantine!). (If I have a photography session, I’m usually only gone for a couple of hours and Nathan is able to be flexible and watch him.) At 5 p.m. the whole family is out the door for some fresh air — a walk, a drive, social-distancing with friends, etc. We’re back by 7 p.m. for bath time + bedtime which Nathan handles. I’ll pop in and out to read a book & say bedtime prayers while I’m pumping and making dinner. Patton goes to sleep at 7:30 p.m. and then we both have a couple of hours to relax.
On the weekend, we just kind of tag-team as much as possible, trying to give each other some much needed down-time.
Although he’s working during the week days, we feel incredibly fortunate that Nathan has been able to be home with us for thirteen weeks and counting (with no real plans of returning to the office soon). He would have gotten TWO weeks of paternity leave and he’s been able to spend so much more time with Patton than he would have if not for quarantine. Silver lining!
Give yourself grace. Give your partner grace. You both have the same goal in mind — raising a happy, healthy, LOVED and cared for baby.
Mom Friends Are Essential. Seriously. From questions, to recommendations to just voicing our solidarity, I talk to them every single day about one thing or another. What we’re dealing with on a day-to-day basis typically is not unique — they’ve probably experienced the same thing or something similar and there’s something comforting about being around people who know exactly what you’re going through and can relate. And it’s SO FUN seeing them grow together and go through the same phases.
If you want a mama friend, I’m always down for a walk!
Also, if you haven’t heard of The Bunny Hive, check it out! It’s a cute little center in Chamblee that hosts “baby & me” classes and it was something I was super excited about getting involved in before Covid. BUT they are beginning to safely reopen with outdoor classes and small groups. I just signed Patton and I up for a 0-6M small group beginning in August and I’m so excited to find community there as well!
Even a Well-Fed, Changed and Loved Baby Will Cry. That’s just the way it is. We learned early on that babies have a certain amount of energy they need to burn through every day and while they’re so little, they don’t have a ton of ways to burn it off outside of crying. So don’t stress yourself out trying to figure out what’s wrong, because sometimes it’s nothing. (Cue Nathan telling Patton to stop acting like a baby.)
Some days are harder than others and just when you think you have it all figured out, baby will go through a developmental leap (download The Wonder Weeks app!) and everything will change. But it’s the most wonderful thing we’ve ever done and the best decision we’ve ever made. Our freedom has decreased but our JOY has increased exponentially and it’s hard to even imagine life before him now.
Allegedly, the next few months are considered the golden days — baby is sleeping, smiling + laughing but not on the move just yet. We’ll see!
xo-
Heather